Sarah: Shod

Are these any better?

[Edited to add: I thought they coordinated very well with Nora's and my shoes. -- Lisa]

Lisa: I said who do you think you are

I went to the hair salon on Tuesday.

Stylist: "What's that paper? Aw! Did someone bring a picture?"
Lisa: "Um. Maybe. No making fun!"
S: "Let's see it! What do you want?"
L: (Hangs head in shame, unfolds printed-out Word document and thrusts it at the stylist.) "Pob me."
S: "Hee. All you had to say was 'Posh Spice.' Wow, you even cut and pasted these in here and everything! You're serious!"
L: (Laughs uneasily.)

I think it turned out OK, though.

Sorry about the mirrors--it's surprisingly difficult to photograph the back of your own head.

Lisa: Strawberry 100%

From the back of a book I checked in this morning:

EXT. ROOFTOP OF A SCHOOL BUILDING
SUNSET

FADE OUT

Oh, Junpei. We've all been there. May your quest for the perfect strawberry print panties be fruitful.

Sarah: The Hids

The ugliest shoes I have seen, to date: Gladiator Jelly Sandals. Seriously.

I challenge all of you guys to find a clothing or shoe abomination even more tragic than the one linked above. I will bring back a prize from Europe to whomever out-uglies those shoes. Good luck and godspeed.

Sarah: Open Letter

Dear Express,
Curse you for seducing me with your new selection and your email coupons. I hate how much I love you. I just can't quit you. You had me at hello, etc.
But this? Stirrup pants? I cannot abide these abominations, Express. Sure, leggings were one thing, but I still have nightmares about fourth grade and stirrup pants. How could you?!

But it looks like you have some cute new dresses, so I'll see you this weekend?

Always and forever,
Sarah

Sarah: Tool of the Week

When I went to Seattle most recently, Marci and I spent some time wandering around Sephora. One thing I tried and loved was

FOUNDATION PRIMER

There are many different kinds and brands, but each one blends weightlessly into your skin, making it feel even, soft, and smooth. The idea is that you put this primer on before any other makeup and it creates a smooth base. It made my skin feel amazing and glowy, and I'm so sad I was too broke to buy any.

Lisa: Tools of the Week

#1: IUD

#2: REVLON MOLTEN METAL

Target didn't have the annoyingly-packaged silver Pure Pigment Shadow Stick I usually get, so I bought Molten Metal in Scene Steel-er to try instead. It is AWESOME. The packaging is totally pleasing, with a lipgloss-style foam tip applicator. You shake together two layers of clear liquid and silty pigment, and then swipe it on. It's shimmery but not too heavy, and stays on all day. I'm totally converted--no more scratching my eyelids with the plastic edge of the Shadow Stick!

Lisa: your secret is safe with me

Lisa: Can I just say that big sweaters cinched in with little belts never looks good in real life? Just on the models in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
Sarah: Yes.

Sarah: Lisa. I might buy leggings soon. I'm apologizing in advance.
Lisa: NO. SARAH.
Sarah: I CAN'T HELP IT. I'VE BEEN RESISTING THEM FOR OVER. A. YEAR. They've slowly broken down my defenses.
Lisa: It is a slippery slope!
Sarah: What if I never wear them as if they're pants? What if I wear them with little shrugs and heels, and cut little holes in the backs where they rest on my calves?
Lisa: You are sentenced to watching Chocolat again to remember the flattering timelessness of 50s fashions, because blousy shirts and skinny jeans/leggings are NOT FLATTERING.
Sarah: NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT BLOUSY SHIRTS! I would not wear leggings with a long shirt. I hate you for suggesting that. This conversation is over. Just know that when i show up somewhere with leggings, you were warned beforehand.
Lisa: What are you going to wear them with?
Sarah: I would wear them with dresses, not blousy shirts, bitch.
Lisa: What about opaque tights instead?
Sarah: Opaque tights run. Plus, you can't wear open-toed shoes.
Lisa: Um. Leg coverings are worn in winter. Winter is not the time for open-toed shoes. I am just saying this for your own good.
Sarah: I am not fighting with you anymore about leggings.
Lisa: I was only fighting you because you ASKED ME TO A YEAR AGO.
Sarah: Okay, well now i am just saying that it might happen and there's nothing more to be done.
Lisa: OK. You have released me from my obligation. Also, what are your feelings on sweater dresses?
Sarah: Ummmm, I like them in the VS catalog, but they can be lump-magnifying.
Lisa: "Pleated cami has a luster so bright you'll radiate at every angle." I don't think that is a good thing.
Sarah: No. Not unless you're that one super hot model. Not Giselle, the other one. The brunette! Who's super hot! But not Adriana Lima, she of the huge lips.
Lisa: Hee. Oh, THAT one.

Lisa: Can i just say that a tube top should not have pockets?
Sarah: Now, with extra middle-widening!
Lisa: Also, an easy way to pull the top RIGHT OFF YOUR BOOBS.
Sarah: hee
Lisa: Do you know how many times i have almost bought that oxford shirt bodysuit?
Sarah: So many times.
Lisa: It's wrong. I know. It has a thong bottom.
Sarah: My question is, do you really want your nice oxford shirt to be wedged in your ass crack all day? I think not.
Lisa: I know! Thank you. But...it looks so cute and sleek and stays tucked in to your low-rise Marisa-fit butt-lifting pinstripe pants!
Sarah: I'm not arguing that with you. But...the ass crack. On your shirt.

Sarah: Tool of the Week, a cautionary tale

Thank you,

GIRL TOYS by BED HEAD,

for teaching me that all shine serums are not created equal. You smell tasty, but make my hair almost instantly greasy. You are being demoted from behind-the-mirror storage to green-tupperware-of-bathroom-products-never-to-be-seen-again. I'm sorry. It's not me, it's you.

I worried that it no longer existed, but was happy to find that the superior shine serum,

GLASS by REDKEN

still exists. Glass makes my hair silky smooth and shiny, but without feeling product-y and greasy after I style it. A curly haired girl needs a fair amount of help to get straight hair that doesn't feel like straw, and Glass does the trick. I love you, you tiny vial of expensive magic.

Yes, I even like it better than AFTERPARTY, as plugged here.

Sarah: Boy, Is my face red.

Nearing the end of my workday, I took a quick break to use the restroom. While washing my hands, I glanced in the mirror to check the frizz levels of my hair (assessment: Threat Level Yellow) and lip gloss shine factor (assessment: 0 shine remains. Bummer.). Then I noticed a pinkish spot on my cheek. It felt slightly puffy and sensitive to the touch. I decided that it could be nothing other than a flesh-eating bacteria. Obviously I needed a second opinion.
I walk briskly out of the restroom to consult Marci.
"I have a flesh-eating bacteria on my face. See? See??"
I stand on my toes to lean over the front of the reception desk. Marci soothes my paranoia and tells me that she doesn't see anything on my face. "Right here! It's eating my face off. I saw it on America's Next Top Model. Marci, I have a flesh-eating bacteria."
"Sarah," she smiles, "your face is fine."
"I have a bacteria! Look! The spot is right there!"
I twirl around to head back to the bathroom mirror for confirmation.
And then I see something.
A man in a suit sitting in the conference room, waiting to speak with my boss.
"Oh. Hi. I have a flesh-eating bacteria."
He smiles, nervously.
Just then, the president of the company walks past.
"Sarah, stop scaring people away."

"I have a flesh-eating bacteria on my face."

Lisa: dude looks like a lady

Is it possible that hot rollers induce mannishness? One would assume that artificially curling one's hair would result in a more feminine appearance. Strangely, no. Each time I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface, I am somewhat stunned by the incongruous man-face peering out from the center of a soft cloud of curled hair. A dark day for all of us.

Lisa: checking in

Sarah: Tool of the Week

During these early spring days I use

NATURAL GLOW DAILY MOISTURIZER

An application every other day,
Takes the ghostly pallor away.

Lisa: Tool of the Week

Over the last 15 years or so, I've tried a lot of mascaras. Luckily, I wasn't makeup-age during the era of the colored lashes, but I've tried every tube my mom ever bought (Clinique, Arbonne, and various other high end stuff), every brand they sell at the drugstore, and some things in between.

By far, the best mascara I've ever used is...

MAYBELLINE INTENSE XXL VOLUME + LENGTH MICROFIBER MASCARA.

The tube is divided in half, with one end being a whitish "lengthening primer" and the other end the black top coat. No lie, this mascara does make my lashes look significantly longer and more full. My natural eyelashes are barely average, but when I started wearing Intense XXL...

This is obviously no ordinary mascara. Try it! And tell me about your favorite beauty product in the comments!

Lisa: well-heeled

Sometimes people question why I spend time or money on 'unneccessary' grooming procedures. Other people ask, "how can you stand to walk in those things" or, "why are you always all dressed up?"

THIS IS WHY.

Excellent grooming goes a surprisingly long way to make up for a lack of natural beauty. Our friend Jennifer Aniston can testify to that. "Excellent grooming" means a regular regime of waxing or shaving, moisturizing, finger- and toenail care, hair upkeep (cut and/or color), daily hairstyling and makeup application, and making sure that whatever clothes you put on constitute an "outfit." You don't have to spend a lot of money on any of it, and it shouldn't be overdone (if all the makeup you need is lipgloss and mascara, great), but it has to be done. I've talked before about showing respect for your body by taking care of it, and I hold to that, but I think for me it's mostly about being prettier.

Why skirts and heels? Well, quite simply, I think the Fifties look of heels and a skirt with a nipped-in waist is just the most flattering for a traditional female figure. Plus it's easier to pull off a classy, old-school glamour thing than to follow trends--especially when you're no longer 16 years old, over 98 lbs, or don't maintain the figure of an 11-year-old boy.

Heels look feminine and graceful. They make your legs look longer and more shapely, and change the contour of your butt for the better. Plus, you look like you're putting just THAT much more effort into looking nice.

Like all of you, I wear pants when the activity calls for it. However, for a woman with hips, a skirt is more flattering than a pair of pants EVERY TIME. And contrary to popular argument, I find that skirts are often more comfortable than pants, due to the lack of restriction around the lady bits.

Yes, you have to be slightly more conscious of your body when you're wearing heels and a skirt. Wearing a skirt forces you to be ladylike--keep your knees together or risk exposing yourself a la Britney. THIS IS A GOOD THING. What's so bad about comporting yourself like a lady? Sitting with your legs wide apart in jeans still looks vulgar, even if your panties aren't technically visible. Walking in heels, feeling a skirt brushing against your legs--it makes you feel your femininity. Own it.

I think I dress like a 50s TV housewife for another reason. Even though I consider myself a feminist, deep down I still think I should do (or at least be able to do) everything June Cleaver did. But...I don't really cook much. I'm not the best housekeeper. I'm not always sweet and kind and unruffled, waiting, martini in hand, for my husband to get home from work.

But I CAN look the part. I can be the best at walking in with a skirt and heels, a smart-looking coat, and a pretty bag. And you know what? We can eat take-out. We can hire someone to clean our house. But it's still frowned upon to pay someone to be sexy for you. So...I figure I picked the most practical of the three.

Sarah: Tool of the Week

You know what goes great with lovely waxed eyebrows?

LIQUID EYELINER

It goes on smooth and dark, but you have more control over the thickness and general application than with my old eyeliner.

And no, there's nothing wrong with being ignorant to the wonders of a common beauty product until one is 22 years old. Why do you ask?

Edited to add relevant links to past Two Loose Teeth entries.

Sarah: The Good, the Bad, the Excessively Snowy

The Good:

For Christmas, Santa put this lip balm in my stocking. I have just recently started using it, and I love it. The Mint Julep flavor tastes like an actual mint leaf, the lip balm is very silky (like the Burt's Bees lip balm I usually use) and stays on for a nice long time. Savannah Bee products are carried locally at the adorable Liberty Heights Fresh. I want to try something in Orange Mint. That sounds delicious.
And speaking of lip balm, I also want to try this gloss/balm. So log that away.

The Bad:

Even with all of my faults, I've never been tempted to smoke. Sunday night, however, I had a very stressful dream.
Social complications and major life decisions rattled in my brain. So what did DreamSarah do to calm herself? She took a few delicious drags from a cigarette. I breathed in the smoke deeply. I felt my brain clear. The cigarette cleansed and purified my body and mind. My lungs expanded with the smokey air and life seemed immeasurably more manageable.
So I guess the point of me telling this to you is: Um. Why? Why did my unconscious mind want so desperately to smoke that sweet, sweet cigarette?

The Excessively Snowy:

More snow! Can't it just be spring already? My car was fine when I drove to work this morning, but was covered by several inches of snow by lunch time. I'm ready to wear shorts and read a book in the park and go barefoot! Oh well.

Lisa: I'd like to thank the Academy

Helen Mirren always looks amazing at awards shows--gorgeous and sexy but age-appropriate. I'm so glad my favorite act of the Oscars recognized her hotness too. Here's to aging gracefully! I don't know about you, but I plan to stick a picture of Ms. Mirren to my bathroom mirror.

Lisa: hint, hint

Normally I hate Valentine's Day with the fire of a thousand suns, but don't you think these would make a great V-Day present?

Besides, if you have to wear this knit jersey tent, the least you can do is put on a pair of kickass sexy red heels with it, right?

Lisa: Wax On

Factoid: it is surprisingly difficult to take a picture of your own eye. But aren't my brows fabulous?

Today on my lunch hour I went to the spa for a bit of judicious waxing, and I got to thinking about why more people don't wax. Here are the common obstacles I see:

1) It hurts.

Well, yes. It does hurt. BUT BEAUTY IS PAIN. No, I'm just kidding--if it was too painful, obviously it wouldn't be worth doing. Look at it this way: have you ever groomed your brows with tweezers? You know how much it hurts when you pluck just one hair? Well (and if you haven't waxed, you'll just have to trust me on this), if you yank out a whole section of hairs at once, it hurts about the same amount as plucking just that one hair.

Admittedly, most of us do not go after our bikini lines with tweezers, and that skin is certainly more sensitive--but what's the alternative? Shaving, with the associated razor burn and immediate prickly regrowth? Waxing the bikini line hurts, a lot, for about one second per cloth. That's six to ten seconds of pain, total, for two weeks of clean skin. Compare that to one or two days of clean skin followed by a week of itchy discomfort.

There's also anecdotal evidence that each time you wax, it hurts less. I don't know if that's from gradual desensitization, or because there's less hair to deal with each time (pulling hair out by the root often damages the root and a new hair won't grow there), or if it's just less scary because you know what to expect. Your mileage may vary.

1.5) Something will go wrong and it will RIP OFF MY SKIN/BURN ME/AIIIIIIIEEEE!!!!

Well, I guess if you were bleaching your own hair you could potentially give your scalp a chemical burn and your hair would all fall out. This is why we leave it to the professionals. Your waxer should be a licensed aesthetician who has gone through hundreds of hours of classroom training and clinical application.

2) I don't want someone else all "up in my business."

Okay. That can be kind of uncomfortable--but it's not as bad as going to the gynecologist. For one, you get to keep your panties on. And your waxer will be super professional; if she wasn't, she wouldn't get any repeat business.

2.5) I am embarassed to have a stranger see what I look like.

Trust me, your waxer has had clients who are much fatter and hairier than you are. Also, if you DO wax, those areas will look better and you'll be less insecure the next time!

3) It costs money.

Yes, services cost money. Just as you can dye your own hair or paint your own nails, you can wax your own brows or whatever area suits your fancy. There's going to be a quality tradeoff, though, due to inferior commercially available products, a lack of expertise, and your not being a contortionist. Also, I personally have never had the guts to do my own waxing--but a stranger won't chicken out before ripping off that strip!

Any hair-removal regime is going to cost something, whether it's razors and shaving cream, depilatory cream, or waxing supplies. You have to decide if the benefits of going to a professional are worth a few more dollars from your budget.

4A) My brows look fine naturally.

Yeah, maybe they do. But...they could look better. Even if you stay with your natural shape, there will be hairs that are "outside the lines." Get closer to the mirror. Yes, other people can see those. Brows are one of the most overlooked facial features, but one that can make a huge difference to the appearance of your eyes and your whole face. An aesthetician can help you determine a brow shape that will flatter your face, and will help you achieve that shape without overplucking.

4B) No one sees my bikini area anyway.

Maybe no one sees you naked. But what if you get invited to go swimming or hot-tubbing? What if you get in a car accident and the doctors have to cut off your clothes?

More importantly, YOU see your bikini area. Just like wearing pretty underwear that no one else sees, you will know when you are well groomed and you'll feel sexier and more confident. Plus, that pretty underwear will look even prettier without unsightly hair sticking out of it.

And...ladies, it must be said: if you are married or in a committed sexual relationship, then sack up. Your husband/boyfriend sees your bikini area, and even though he loves you no matter what, he will appreciate your grooming efforts. Keep the romance alive!

4C) Only sluts wax their bikini lines.

No. Clean and well-groomed women who have respect for their bodies and take care of them wax their bikini lines. You don't have to go Brazilian, and you don't have to shave in your boyfriend's initials. Your lady bits are not inherently dirty. Admitting that you have a bikini area and taking proper care of it doesn't mean you're showing it to all the boys.

4D) I am a dirty hippie.

I can't help you there.

Lisa: Turkey Dinners

Background: Sarah has the charming but somewhat inexplicable tradition of buying Christmas panties from Old Navy every December. She wears them all year round. I think it is obvious to everyone that I, as part of my sisterly duties, am obligated to tease her about said Christmas panties.

Sarah: I HAVE A BAGGY WEDGIE AND IT'S PISSING ME OFF.
Lisa: I am so sorry about your baggy wedgie. You should stop at Old Navy for some Thanksgiving panties.
Sarah: I hate you.
Lisa: No, I was serious! You should! And I'm sure the Halloween panties are on supa sale.
Sarah: Dude... DO YOU THINK THAT OLD NAVY WOULD HAVE PANTIES THAT HAD A FAN OF MULTICOLORED FEATHERS ON THE BACK?? Because that would be cute. Plus, then you could shake your tail feathers. I'm just saying.
Lisa: HA! That? Was brilliant. Victoria's Secret sells holiday panties with like Santa fur and stuff on them. They should totally sell Thanksgiving ones with feathers.
Sarah: And they could also sell a... sexy pilgrim hat? A bra with some sort of pilgrim collar?
Lisa: Heeeeeee. Besides, Puritan lingerie is the ultimate oxymoron!
Sarah: Yes, like someone says "is nothing sacred?" And we say NO!
Lisa: Do people really care about keeping the Puritan tradition sacred? Just wondering.
Sarah: Lisa. We could make a whole line of Thanksgiving underwear. A pair could just say across the butt, "You SHOULD be thankful!"
Lisa: Or it could say, "Thanks but no thanks!" Or, "No, thank YOU!" Or, (OR!!!!) "Thanky Panky."
Sarah: I hope you are saving all of this somewhere.
Lisa: Seriously.

Sarah: Emergency

Warning: I discuss underwear in this entry. Some links will lead you to photos of underwear. I realize that some people might view models in underwear as somewhat scandalous. If this is offensive to you, do not click the links. Thank you.

I would like to take a moment to talk about Emergency Underwear. Maybe you think I'm referring to your days-of-the-week underwear that you keep near the back of your underwear drawer. I'm not. Because even though you feel a bit ridiculous wearing blue cotton panties with a smiling giraffe and "Tuesday" printed on the front, there is at least that moment when you are getting ready and you glance in the mirror and then start dancing in your bedroom to the radio playing Sexy Back because really? Your butt looks SO cute in Tuesday.

No. I'm not talking about those panties. I'm talking about your laundry day panties. The underwear that you keep telling yourself to just throw away, but then all of a sudden, you have no clean underwear left, and it's either wearing your emergency underwear or nothing at all. You know the panties I mean. They are white, they are high-waisted, and they kill a small part of your soul every time you are forced by the dirty laundry gods to wear them.

My emergency panties look like this. I bought them thinking they'd be kicky and fun. They would eliminate panty line and be comfy and lounge-y. Plus, look how they look cute on the model. Right? WRONG!

These are horrible monstrosities. Best case scenario, the underwear is too loose. Worst case scenario, the "legs" of the shorts bunch up under pants and create an indescribable effect that is much, much worse than panty line, yet the overall effect is still sort of loose. No, not loose. Breezy. The shape of the underwear indicates that they should sit on your hips a few inches below your bellybutton. Placing the garment in the appropriate location, however, leads to an uncomfortable lack of bits-hugging fabric. Regardless of the cut of underwear you prefer, certain parts should be covered. My emergency underwear? DOES A SORRY-ASS JOB OF COVERING THOSE PARTS. My point is that these are very bad emergency panties. And I wore a pair yesterday. And another pair today.

I need to do laundry as soon as possible so that I can get back to underwear I like. Like these. My good friend Marci, she who holds all underwear knowledge, encouraged me to get them, and they are hot. Hotter than they look on the model, if you ask me.

Lisa: Tool(s) of the Week

I don't find infomercials to be a particularly pleasant or effective marketing technique, but I must admit that there are some good as-seen-on-TV products out there. Especially...

PROACTIV

and

TURBO JAM

It's hard for me to admit, but Jessica Simpson and Diddy sold me on Proactiv. That ridiculousness aside, now that I've tried it, I don't think I'll ever go back to another skincare regimen. My skin is softer and clearer and more glowy than it ever has been, and new boxes magically appear on my doorstep when I need a refill. The only downside is that my purple towels now have giant pink bleached spots from the benzoyl peroxide--but it was time for new towels anyway, and I was already planning to replace them with white. Problem solved!

It's only been a few weeks since Marci introduced me to Turbo Jam, but so far I am loving it. The routines are relatively easy to pick up, go by quickly, and leave me completely sweaty (which I figure has to be good). I can't wait for my "ripped, rock-hard abs."

Lisa: there is beauty all around

Some days, the little things feel extra special.

The 2007 Knitty wall calendar came out today, and I was idly clicking through the pictures used for each month when I happened upon this:

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what is called nerdy hot. Do not underestimate the power of the nerdy hotness. Do you see those garters? The miniskirt? Who can say that knitting is just for grandmas now?

Edited to add a link to this adorable knitting animation, found via Heather. For those of you at work, it can be watched without sound .

Lisa: When she was good, she was very, very good

Yesterday I got a real haircut and it was AWESOME. Ann Marie at Sacred Roots was recommended as someone who specializes in curly hair, and for good reason. She first looked at my hair when it was dry, paying attention to my hair texture, type of curl, and which areas were more or less curly than others. She cut the general shape of the desired style while my hair was dry. [For those of you who don't have curly hair, this is important because sections of hair with different amounts of curl can be cut to the same length when wet (and straight), but bounce up to different lengths when the hair is dry.] Then she shampooed me (complete with head and neck massage!) and neatened up the cut on my wet hair. Then she dried my hair with a diffuser, all the while giving me tips on styling and products. Ann Marie had read the books and websites I had read, and was familiar with the anti-shampoo philosophy--but encouraged me to do whatever worked for me. She is even going to a workshop in New York with Lorraine Massey next month. Plus, Ann Marie was super nice and the right amount of chatty and kept telling me how great my hair was. It was like a beautiful dream.

As an added bonus, afterward I got to put on a fancy dress and eat fondue at The Melting Pot for Molly's birthday. It totally made up for the four hours I spent cleaning on Friday morning (yay, me!). The question now is what should I do tonight when Blake is out with the guys? Block the sweater I finally finished knitting? Paint the sewing room?

Edited to add this picture of my haircut, taken the day after I posted this entry:

Lisa: Labor Day (It's a Holiday)

Sarah, Marci, Mallory, and I spent most of the lovely Labor Day holiday shopping. I promised Marci I wouldn't post the picture of her holding up a giant pair of tummy control panties, but I'm sure she won't mind if I post this super cute picture of her at lunch instead, right?

Isn't Marci the cutest? Don't you want to date her? I know I do. Here I am with Sarah:

I promised Sarah I would crop out any evidence that the camera flash rendered her shirt transparent in this one. Plus, seriously? Stop trying to ogle my sister's breasts. It's creeping me out.

But enough lunch. There were shoes to be salivated over!

Thanks, ladies! You're the most fabulous friends a girl could have.

Lisa: haircut

On Sunday I went insane and hacked off a bunch of my hair. Sarah helped me even it out, and this is what we ended up with:

Could be worse. Oh, I colored it myself on Sunday, too. Feel free to psychoanalyze my sudden need to change everything about myself. Or my ongoing need to take pictures of myself.

P.S. Happy anniversary, Blake! I love you.

Sarah: I just want to wash my face.

I apply astringent to my face every night with cotton balls. After looking more carefully at my bag of cotton balls, however, I'm not sure I'm qualified to use them: They are "for the adventurous, exotic, sensuous, free spirited woman." I don't need that sort of pressure from my cotton balls.